I know why God is not a woman

You ever drive down the road, pretty much on autopilot, and all the sudden an epiphany strikes you?
Yeah, me neither.

Okay, what I’m about to say is not meant to be a conversation about religion, religious beliefs, but just my odd sense of the universe smacking me upside the head, and saying, “Duh!”

God said, "He would create Man in His own image and after His likeness"…or close to that.
This leads everyone to question is God a man or a woman.

I’m here to tell you the answer is simple. NOT a woman. He is a man.

GASP! Okay all you feminists…just chill. And think about it.

Do you really think if God were a woman she would prefer an inny to an outty? No, seriously!

Come on, ladies! How many times have you wished you could pee standing up? That you could just whip it out when and where necessary. That you did not have to practice the pee pee dance or wait in the long line at a concert. Or beg your father to stop at the nearest rest area only for him to drive three hours more while your eyes turn a neon shade of yellow. Or you could pee in a cup WITHOUT getting your hands all wet.

If God was a woman, do you believe she would haphazardly smite all women and say, “Every 28 days you shall bleed.”

Heck, no! Not even to your worse enemy would you wish to be wearing white pants and all the sudden have a red stain in a certain area. Or that you would have a big beach vacation planned only to be SURPRISED! by ‘mother nature’ arriving early. Let’s add to that the bloating, cramps, and headaches, not to mention irritability to the mix. No, no woman would do that to another.

Let’s not even mention the whole giving birth scenario. While it is very cool to bring another human being into this world, do you imagine that a female God would vote YES to shooting a watermelon out a hole the size of a lemon? What is she a masochist? No, I don’t believe it.

And MENOPAUSE! Really? I do not think so. No way would a female God wish that on women. First, we suffer for years with the regularity or irregularity of our menstrual cycle only to have it taken away, but not all at once. No, we have to spend YEARS with mood swings, ever more irregular cycles, HOT flashes, and then not be able to have any more children. While a man at the age of 70 can still get it up enough to get a twenty-something year-old pregnant.

This was a man’s doing!

Only, here’s the good part. It backfired!

Little did HE realize that all these things make us the stronger sex. While women may not have balls…OURS are definitely BIGGER.

So, while I have just discovered the truth as to the sex of God, I have also discovered that the joke is on all men.