Sometimes you just have to grab the bull by the horns

What is it with men?

It’s okay for them to always want to “fix” it when all we want is for them to listen. But when the tables are turned they don’t want to hear us tell them what to do.

So what? I am just supposed to let a friend tell me his woes and frustrations and then nod my head. Let him give every excuse not to chase his dream even if the excuses are the investors’ excuses. If you want it, don’t let some jackass holding the purse strings stand in the way. Man up and go find another investor with a wad of cash!

Oh! And then when I throw all these ideas at him that he could do or show the investors that what he said made sense, what do I get in return? I get the “Investors aren’t emotional” crap.

I just have to say this because at this point I did want to get emotional and scream. Just because women are usually more passionate than men does NOT make us more emotional. Only a jackass of a man will say such an idiotic statement when he is losing the argument.

I wanted to say to him, “Look, pull your head out and screw it back on. You can sell yourself to anyone even someone who has no money and they will give you their last dollar.” He is that good.

I also wanted to tell him, “At least you have a business idea to invest in. Something tangible that an investor would want to spend money on. I don’t have that. My dream is not a tangible thing that I can say, ‘Please, Mr. Investor, can you give me some money while I write this book or these twenty books or as many books as I can until I die. Please, Mr. Investor, I want to quit my day job so I can pursue my passion of writing.’”

But I didn’t say that, because hello, I was focusing on him.

Now that I have ranted and gotten this out of my system let me tell you men and women. If you want something, then “man up” and go for it. Stop coming up with excuses or listening to someone else’s excuses and chase that dang dream all the way to the end goal.

Take the bull by the horns and make that dream a reality. Listen to the family and friends who push you and ignore the others who would hold you back. Cuz why are they holding you back? Not for your sake but for their own. If people volunteer help, don’t be a man and try to do it on your own, take the help because it might just get you to that end goal that much sooner.

In this life, we make it what we will. If you settle for something less then you get what you deserve. If you strive for something more, then guess what, you WILL get more.

Pull up your pants

I just have to say this…

I may not be speaking for all women, but I’m pretty sure I am speaking for a good majority of them.

Men…pull up your pants!

It’s one thing to be a plumber or a construction guy where you wear a heavy tool belt and that weighs down your pants. While it’s not necessarily a pretty sight, as a matter of fact, it can be quite blinding to experience a plumber crack, it’s at least excusable.

On the other hand, when a guy wears his pants without a belt so that they droop past his hips and you see the top of his boxers or tighty-whiteys that is a whole different story. That is NOT attractive. I mean seriously, do women go around flashing you so you see the color of our panties?

OH-MY-GOSH! What if you have skid marks on your drawers. How is that going to attract some interested female? [SHUDDER] Ew! If I saw that I would turn tail and bolt for the nearest door.

And what is with these other guys who not only forego a belt so that the world is exposed to far too much detail on the posterior, but who actually buy their pants two sizes too big on purpose. Is this some new kind of mating ritual that skipped right past me? Does the sight of men’s underwear hanging out of their pants turn some women on? Or perhaps it is the sight of a man trying to walk with his slacks hanging around his knees without them slipping all the way to their ankles.

There are only two, maybe three reasons a man should have his pants at his knees and since I am too much of a lady to tell you, I will let you use your imagination.

Now that you’ve cleared your mind of those instructional videos let’s return to our subject at hand. Men…pull up your pants!

Men, do you really think the woman of your dreams is going to swoon at your feet if she sees you wearing your underwear on the OUTSIDE of your pants? Or the lady of your desire is going to fall into your arms if she sees you bent over a water fountain and instead of seeing a firm tight ass that she would like to caress she is smacked in the face with the visual of a furry crack. AT that point the poor woman would be screaming down the hall yelling, “My eyes! My eyes!”

For all us women out there who love a man in a pair of jeans, please wear your pants around your waist and leave a little room for our very vivid imagination.

And if that doesn't give you incentive then think back to what your mama saud when you were about the age of three.

"Pull up your pants, honey. You're a big boy now."

Do clothes make a man?

Hmm…well, let’s examine this.

If you see a man wearing a heavy rock band T-shirt what’s the first thing you think? “Great pecs.” Because chances are the T-shirt is more than likely too tight.
Or how about, “I wonder how many drugs he did when he was in his twenties?” Then again, maybe he still does them. Check the band name. Is it a band around today or one that started back in the seventies? If it's from twenty plus years ago, the guy needs to get over it and grow up.

What about a guy in a plaid, flannel shirt? Now this one might make you think a little more. Are you in the great Northwest when you see this phenomenon? Then maybe he is a lumberjack. That may not be all bad. Just think of the warm nights he could give you.

Are you in the south when you see the plaid, flannel shirt wearing man? That may be a tad bit scarier. I’m thinking, “Redneck” is the first word that comes to mind. Check his truck. Do you see a gun rack hooked inside the cab or a rebel flag hanging from the mirror or the antenna?

What is it with guys in suits? I mean, is it written somewhere that if a man puts on a suit that the stick is automatically inserted someplace that I won’t mention? If the suit fits well, as in it’s been tailored to fit the man then I bet he looks hot in all those crisp, sharp lines. Rather like a man in uniform. Can’t wait to peel him out of all those clothes.

If the suit isn’t tailored then it’s as if the guy just put a sleek cover on a slob. Check his socks. Do they match his suit? If not, I bet he’s a slob and drives beat up old jalopy. It’s all a façade ladies. Watch out.

Oh, wait! What about a leisure suit? You remember those polyester suits that fit a little too snug in places it shouldn’t and look just awful no matter who wears them. Seriously, who the heck thought those were a good idea? Had to be a woman with a great sense of humor. And men buy them. Ladies, watch out for this guy because if he buys a polyester suit he is just as likely to buy the magic beans from a wandering salesman.

Let’s talk about a guy in a uniform. Now, not any uniform will do. Who wants to do a young Navy squid in his sailor whites? Please, bell-bottoms and white and so not a good combination. Then again, Army fatigues don’t do anything for any guy any where. Army green is just plain ugly. Not to mention the way they hang on a guy. And what do they carry in all those pockets? [SHIVER]

Now if we’re talking dress uniforms of Marines. . . “Oorah!” Again, all those nice crisp lines that mold to a terrific set of pecs and biceps. Yummy! This outfit shows you the man can commit and cares about his country. Of course, if the hair was not so short you could picture yourself running your fingers through it or grabbing hold while the Marine takes you for a ride. Yeehaw!

How about plaid knee-length shorts with dark socks and sandals? HA! Yes, we’ve all seen it. And most of us have denied knowing that person. Why wear shorts and sandals if you’re going to ear socks at all? Isn’t the whole point to show off your legs or get a little sun? Please, if you’re going to dress like an old man then stay inside so we don’t have to see.

Here’s another summertime visual for you. Picture yourself walking down the beach with the sand curling in your toes as you walk. The sun is shining and the waves are crashing and all the sudden you see this very tan, very buff dude. As you draw closer to him you stop in your tracks and you chin drops to your chest. Why?

Because the dude is wearing a Speedo. Can you say slingshot? Or banana case? I don’t know what it is with men and their Speedos but they should get over it. If you’re not a competitive swimmer and in a pool then this guy is someone who thinks too highly of himself, whether he has much of a banana or not in those trunks.

Ladies – do you let your man walk out of the house wearing sweatpants and a wife-beater T-shirt? Most the women I know would say, “Hell, no!”

Why? Because are you kidding me? No guy looks sexy in a wife-beater. Like the Speedo wearing man, this guy thinks he looks better than he really does. In fact, he probably has very little muscle at all except in his head. The head sitting on his shoulder that is. All you have conveyed to a woman wearing this outfit is that you are too sexy for yourself. Gym or no gym this is a no-no.

Mmm. A man in a pair of jeans can do it for me anytime. Well, okay, only if they fit and aren’t hanging off his butt so I get a clear shot of his tighty-whities or his boxers or worse. If they aren’t wrinkled like they just came out of the dirty clothes hamper, a man who wears a pair of nice jeans that hug his derriere is hot. Toss in a pair of cowboy boots so it makes his butt that much more firm and you have a winner! Cowboy boots are to men’s butts what 3-inch heels are to a woman’s behind.

How do they miss the hole?

This question is what women across the globe have asked themselves for years, maybe even centuries. Just so you know this last line made me research when the toilet was invented.

A man named JF Brondel in 1738 invented the first flush toilet. No, John Crapper did not invent the toilet.

Now that you know that, back to the original question. Why do they, being men, miss the big porcelain hole? How do they miss it?

This is a question that my hair stylist and I have discussed on numerous occasions, but have yet to come up with an answer.

On Super Bowl Sunday, I like millions of others, tuned in their televisions to watch the playoffs. As a bonus to the terrific sports event, we saw some terrific new commercials. When the ads played and one depicted men saying, I will do this, that, and the other thing, one of which was to put the seat down, it sparked my furtive brain cells. Why didn’t they agree to not missing the hole?

I am positive that every woman out there can appreciate this question. “How do they miss the hole?” Seriously.

The average circumference of a toilet bowl is 14 inches. F-o-u-r-t-e-e-n INCHES!
Now, forgive me for stating the obvious, but how does something so small (no offense intended) miss something so large? I mean it just seems like an impossibility. And yet, in the middle of the night while we are sleeping, men all over the world, get up from the bed, shuffle into the bathroom, and miss the toilet. It could be broad daylight, they could be completely sober, and somehow, some way, they miss the 14-inch hole.

How do we know this? Because we hear it hitting the floor. It wakes us up from a sound sleep. There is a huge sound difference between the splash of liquid against water and the splash of liquid against wall, porcelain, ceramic, or even wood.
Women are the lucky ones who step in the “missed spot” barefooted or in our stocking feet when we get up and have to use the toilet. We smell it when we walk into the bathroom. Amazingly enough, the men’s sense of smell disappears when it comes to missing the giant flushing hole, but burn something, change the laundry detergent or the shampoo and they notice that immediately.

So, men – women want to know – how do you miss the hole?