The things women talk about…

The things women talk about…

Haven’t you men always wanted to know what women talk about when they get together? Well, I am about to enlighten you. . .somewhat, partially, a little.

Be warned! This could be dangerous information I am about to expose. If you have sensitive ears or feelings you may not want to read further.

Yesterday, a couple of lady friends and I were chatting. Yes, we chat. We were talking and somehow we got on the subject of “Life Tools for Women.” Don’t ask how we got there but we did. Of course, that got me thinking (very bad) and inspired to write this blog post.

I know, you’re asking yourself, “What the heck are the Life Tools for Women?”

For those of you in the know, you are already laughing. For those of you not in the know, you are about to get a lesson.

Life Tools for Women consists of four things every woman needs for a happy night or a happy life. Yeah, it’s true. We only need four things. Isn’t that amazing? And men think we're high-maintenance. Ha!

Now you want to know what those four things are? Hm, well, be prepared.


#1. Number one is a bottle of wine. It doesn’t matter whether it’s a bottle of white, red, or zinfandel. It could be a wickedly expensive bottle of champagne (my fave!) or a cheap bottle of Muscatel. Wine is wine.

Wine makes daily living easier, less hurried, with fewer tensions and more tolerance.
~ Benjamin Franklin

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to a lack of wine. ~ Anonymous

Good wine is a necessity of life for me. ~ Thomas Jefferson


#2. The second item on the women’s list of Life Tools is good chocolate. Notice that unlike the wine, the chocolate must be good. This is where our taste buds, match our taste in men. Not any chocolate or man will do.

Anything is good if it's made of chocolate. ~ Jo Brand

Chocolate is nature’s way of making up for Mondays. ~ Anonymous

Don't wreck a sublime chocolate experience by feeling guilty. Chocolate isn't like premarital sex. It will not make you pregnant. And it always feels good. ~ Lora Brody

It's not that chocolates are a substitute for love. Love is a substitute for chocolate. Chocolate is, let's face it, far more reliable than a man. ~ Miranda Ingram


#3. The third tool is a romance novel. Yup, you read that correctly. A romance novel. With a bottle of wine and good chocolate the mood is all set for a relaxing evening. Let the fantasy begin! Not just any fantasy. Again, this is boy meets girl, they have hot, steamy sex, boy and girl have conflict, but even in conflict they have sex. When all is said and done, conflict is resolved, they have sex and they live happily ever after.

Okay, that’s my fantasy.

According to one survey, the number one reason women read romance novels is the hero. We get to fall a little bit in love with the hero every time we open a book to read.

In that same survey, the number four reason we read romance novels is the Happily Ever After. We love a great ending and knowing that no matter how many troubles and problems to mount up eventually they are solved and go away. Ahhh.

Maybe if men read more romance novels they would understand women better. BONUS!


#4. Here is where we reach the risqué portion of our tools. Please, if by now you have not figured out where I am going with this then close your eyes, imagine yourself being a woman. Now, you’re sitting in front of a fireplace with your wine, box of chocolates, a steamy, sexy, romance novel, and a. . .TOOL.

Here you have the four Life Tools for Women. Go and enjoy!

Pull up your pants

I just have to say this…

I may not be speaking for all women, but I’m pretty sure I am speaking for a good majority of them.

Men…pull up your pants!

It’s one thing to be a plumber or a construction guy where you wear a heavy tool belt and that weighs down your pants. While it’s not necessarily a pretty sight, as a matter of fact, it can be quite blinding to experience a plumber crack, it’s at least excusable.

On the other hand, when a guy wears his pants without a belt so that they droop past his hips and you see the top of his boxers or tighty-whiteys that is a whole different story. That is NOT attractive. I mean seriously, do women go around flashing you so you see the color of our panties?

OH-MY-GOSH! What if you have skid marks on your drawers. How is that going to attract some interested female? [SHUDDER] Ew! If I saw that I would turn tail and bolt for the nearest door.

And what is with these other guys who not only forego a belt so that the world is exposed to far too much detail on the posterior, but who actually buy their pants two sizes too big on purpose. Is this some new kind of mating ritual that skipped right past me? Does the sight of men’s underwear hanging out of their pants turn some women on? Or perhaps it is the sight of a man trying to walk with his slacks hanging around his knees without them slipping all the way to their ankles.

There are only two, maybe three reasons a man should have his pants at his knees and since I am too much of a lady to tell you, I will let you use your imagination.

Now that you’ve cleared your mind of those instructional videos let’s return to our subject at hand. Men…pull up your pants!

Men, do you really think the woman of your dreams is going to swoon at your feet if she sees you wearing your underwear on the OUTSIDE of your pants? Or the lady of your desire is going to fall into your arms if she sees you bent over a water fountain and instead of seeing a firm tight ass that she would like to caress she is smacked in the face with the visual of a furry crack. AT that point the poor woman would be screaming down the hall yelling, “My eyes! My eyes!”

For all us women out there who love a man in a pair of jeans, please wear your pants around your waist and leave a little room for our very vivid imagination.

And if that doesn't give you incentive then think back to what your mama saud when you were about the age of three.

"Pull up your pants, honey. You're a big boy now."

Shopping at hardware store

I had to share this experience because it made me laugh and shake my head.

I have been waiting to trim my apple tree until it was a tad warmer outside, dreading climbing the thing and snipping off every tall spiky limb with my loppers. Last year my arms hurt for three weeks afterward.

This year, a friend of mine recommended I go get a limb saw. I wasn't exactly hot on the idea for the pur fact that the last time I tried to use a saw it did nothing but frustrate me. But what the heck.

I stopped at Home Depot on the way home from breakfast to check out a limb saw. I, of course, walked into the store and went to completely the wrong section (TOOLS) then asked a Home Depot person for directions. He walked me down to the aisle, located the limb saws and pulled one out.

Then he turned to me and said, "Is this what he was looking for?"

He? He who? Was I not standing there asking for this tool?

I replied, "The saw is for me. I'll be the one using it and climbing up in the tree to saw some limbs."

The look on this poor man's face when he realized his mistake was one of slack jaw, wide eyes, and pink cheeks.

"I'm sorry. That really was a stupid thing to say," he offered.

I gave a small laugh and smiled. "No problem. Happens all the time."

The sad part is that it really does happen all the time. If you're buying a tool you must be buying it for a man to use. Now, you're talking to a woman who has framed a wall, put up sheet rock, hung cupboards, replaced light fixtures and switches, painted every wall in her house, gutted and re-planted her own garden, built her own walking trail with more than 400 pounds of flagstone.

You should see the horrified look on the guy at the stone yard's face when I stick the flagstone and rock in the trunk of my BMW. It's similar to the young guy's faces at the nursery when I shove dirty plants in the truck. I have to explain to them, "It's just a car." Then they stutter and I laugh.

Oops! Back to the story.

Anyway, why does the fact that a woman wants to buy a tool surprise so many male salespeople?

Honestly, my ex-husband who is wicked smart when it comes to computers couldn't put together a desk without assembling it backwards, nor could he change a light switch. His version of a tool is a wire crimper for CAT-5 cabling and a mini-screwdriver for all those tiny screws on the cases of computers.