Thursday, April 21, 2011

Do clothes make a man?

Hmm…well, let’s examine this.

If you see a man wearing a heavy rock band T-shirt what’s the first thing you think? “Great pecs.” Because chances are the T-shirt is more than likely too tight.
Or how about, “I wonder how many drugs he did when he was in his twenties?” Then again, maybe he still does them. Check the band name. Is it a band around today or one that started back in the seventies? If it's from twenty plus years ago, the guy needs to get over it and grow up.

What about a guy in a plaid, flannel shirt? Now this one might make you think a little more. Are you in the great Northwest when you see this phenomenon? Then maybe he is a lumberjack. That may not be all bad. Just think of the warm nights he could give you.

Are you in the south when you see the plaid, flannel shirt wearing man? That may be a tad bit scarier. I’m thinking, “Redneck” is the first word that comes to mind. Check his truck. Do you see a gun rack hooked inside the cab or a rebel flag hanging from the mirror or the antenna?

What is it with guys in suits? I mean, is it written somewhere that if a man puts on a suit that the stick is automatically inserted someplace that I won’t mention? If the suit fits well, as in it’s been tailored to fit the man then I bet he looks hot in all those crisp, sharp lines. Rather like a man in uniform. Can’t wait to peel him out of all those clothes.

If the suit isn’t tailored then it’s as if the guy just put a sleek cover on a slob. Check his socks. Do they match his suit? If not, I bet he’s a slob and drives beat up old jalopy. It’s all a façade ladies. Watch out.

Oh, wait! What about a leisure suit? You remember those polyester suits that fit a little too snug in places it shouldn’t and look just awful no matter who wears them. Seriously, who the heck thought those were a good idea? Had to be a woman with a great sense of humor. And men buy them. Ladies, watch out for this guy because if he buys a polyester suit he is just as likely to buy the magic beans from a wandering salesman.

Let’s talk about a guy in a uniform. Now, not any uniform will do. Who wants to do a young Navy squid in his sailor whites? Please, bell-bottoms and white and so not a good combination. Then again, Army fatigues don’t do anything for any guy any where. Army green is just plain ugly. Not to mention the way they hang on a guy. And what do they carry in all those pockets? [SHIVER]

Now if we’re talking dress uniforms of Marines. . . “Oorah!” Again, all those nice crisp lines that mold to a terrific set of pecs and biceps. Yummy! This outfit shows you the man can commit and cares about his country. Of course, if the hair was not so short you could picture yourself running your fingers through it or grabbing hold while the Marine takes you for a ride. Yeehaw!

How about plaid knee-length shorts with dark socks and sandals? HA! Yes, we’ve all seen it. And most of us have denied knowing that person. Why wear shorts and sandals if you’re going to ear socks at all? Isn’t the whole point to show off your legs or get a little sun? Please, if you’re going to dress like an old man then stay inside so we don’t have to see.

Here’s another summertime visual for you. Picture yourself walking down the beach with the sand curling in your toes as you walk. The sun is shining and the waves are crashing and all the sudden you see this very tan, very buff dude. As you draw closer to him you stop in your tracks and you chin drops to your chest. Why?

Because the dude is wearing a Speedo. Can you say slingshot? Or banana case? I don’t know what it is with men and their Speedos but they should get over it. If you’re not a competitive swimmer and in a pool then this guy is someone who thinks too highly of himself, whether he has much of a banana or not in those trunks.

Ladies – do you let your man walk out of the house wearing sweatpants and a wife-beater T-shirt? Most the women I know would say, “Hell, no!”

Why? Because are you kidding me? No guy looks sexy in a wife-beater. Like the Speedo wearing man, this guy thinks he looks better than he really does. In fact, he probably has very little muscle at all except in his head. The head sitting on his shoulder that is. All you have conveyed to a woman wearing this outfit is that you are too sexy for yourself. Gym or no gym this is a no-no.

Mmm. A man in a pair of jeans can do it for me anytime. Well, okay, only if they fit and aren’t hanging off his butt so I get a clear shot of his tighty-whities or his boxers or worse. If they aren’t wrinkled like they just came out of the dirty clothes hamper, a man who wears a pair of nice jeans that hug his derriere is hot. Toss in a pair of cowboy boots so it makes his butt that much more firm and you have a winner! Cowboy boots are to men’s butts what 3-inch heels are to a woman’s behind.


D Tocher April 21, 2011 at 6:21 AM  

"Is it a band around today or one that started back in the seventies? If it's from twenty plus years ago, the guy needs to get over it and grow up."

Oh REALLY? So tell me...who is making hard rock better than Black Sabbath, Ozzy Osbourne, Alice Cooper, Motorhead, or Deep Purple...or even Uriah Heap and Jethro Tull? Answer -- NO ONE!

I'd like to see one of the new bands out today get onstage and show the audience how to rock AFTER Ozzy or Alice Cooper has just played. Every band today would be shaking in their boots 'cause they know they don't "have it."

I'm 33...I grew up on Gn'R and Motley Crue, and Nirvana and all that juvenile, banal crap. Then, and older friend introduced me to Black Sabbath...Motorhead...Deep Purple. That's when I actually GREW UP! When I learned what rock n' roll is really about.

Substances in my twenties? Yep! How do you think my writing got so good in my thirties? Doors of perception and all of that...!

Just thought I'd put that out there. Peace. ;-)

Denise April 21, 2011 at 8:50 AM  

HA! I love you, David. I got no comeback to that. :-)

Robin K April 21, 2011 at 11:11 AM  

Wow, any army of both good and badly dressed men just traversed through my head. What a treat on a Thursday morning. You forgot kilts though, purrrrrr.

Denise April 21, 2011 at 12:07 PM  

Oh! Kilts. Dang! That would have been a good one.

You write it.

Robin K April 22, 2011 at 4:31 PM  

The kilt. Now we all swoon for a scantily clad, buff Scotsman in a kilt. But believe me a kilt can also be worn all wrong. Never should a kilt be worn with a shirt, especially flannel. And not skinny-sun-deprived men either. If it is hitting the ground, this folks is a dress, not to be confused with a kilt. A sword is a fantastic accessory, though an ax does fine in a pitch. The proper kilt laden man should also ride a sturdy steed. Or perhaps a motorcycle if you desire a modern day twist. The most important kilt wearing rule... what is under the kilt MUST be left to the imagination!

Denise April 26, 2011 at 8:52 AM  

Robin - loved it!

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