Thursday, February 18, 2010

How do they miss the hole?

This question is what women across the globe have asked themselves for years, maybe even centuries. Just so you know this last line made me research when the toilet was invented.

A man named JF Brondel in 1738 invented the first flush toilet. No, John Crapper did not invent the toilet.

Now that you know that, back to the original question. Why do they, being men, miss the big porcelain hole? How do they miss it?

This is a question that my hair stylist and I have discussed on numerous occasions, but have yet to come up with an answer.

On Super Bowl Sunday, I like millions of others, tuned in their televisions to watch the playoffs. As a bonus to the terrific sports event, we saw some terrific new commercials. When the ads played and one depicted men saying, I will do this, that, and the other thing, one of which was to put the seat down, it sparked my furtive brain cells. Why didn’t they agree to not missing the hole?

I am positive that every woman out there can appreciate this question. “How do they miss the hole?” Seriously.

The average circumference of a toilet bowl is 14 inches. F-o-u-r-t-e-e-n INCHES!
Now, forgive me for stating the obvious, but how does something so small (no offense intended) miss something so large? I mean it just seems like an impossibility. And yet, in the middle of the night while we are sleeping, men all over the world, get up from the bed, shuffle into the bathroom, and miss the toilet. It could be broad daylight, they could be completely sober, and somehow, some way, they miss the 14-inch hole.

How do we know this? Because we hear it hitting the floor. It wakes us up from a sound sleep. There is a huge sound difference between the splash of liquid against water and the splash of liquid against wall, porcelain, ceramic, or even wood.
Women are the lucky ones who step in the “missed spot” barefooted or in our stocking feet when we get up and have to use the toilet. We smell it when we walk into the bathroom. Amazingly enough, the men’s sense of smell disappears when it comes to missing the giant flushing hole, but burn something, change the laundry detergent or the shampoo and they notice that immediately.

So, men – women want to know – how do you miss the hole?


Tony February 18, 2010 at 8:50 AM  

Lifting the veil of mystery from the issue is quite simple really. Indeed a man has the ability to grip and aim in the general direction with which they wish to shoot a stream of fluids. However, a man does not really have control over the free flowing urine at all. What I mean is: he stands there, hose in hand pointed at the toilet, and: it shoots out sideways. Once the flow has exited it is easy to redirect it back into the direction one wishes it to go, but the first blast is a crap-shoot as far as how it chooses to come out. There are many factors involved with the flow as it is released, gravity being one of them, but other things to consider include blockage of the pathway being traveled and exit hole out of alignment issues. The real question, I suppose, is why don;t men just sit on the toilet and do their business? The answer, quite frankly, is that most men don;t clean the toilet!

Keith March 7, 2010 at 9:15 AM  

The real answer to this never ending quest by the female gender may lie in their lack of experience. To gain some experience with this phenomenon, I am suggesting that you women cook a ziti, and for gaining more insight make it three ziti with different cooking times to get a variety of texture and consistency. With the cooked ziti in hand, fill your mouth with water and make attempts to purge your mouth of the water through the ziti while aiming at something. Be sure to record your results with each so you will determine which consistency achieves the best results.

I believe that at the conclusion of the task you will find that it is not easy to hit a target without having a stiff barrel and no aiming device. All that said, you will have to admit that we are extremely good at writing in the snow. :)

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